Nightmares and Words
by HisanaRosa
Summary: Their lies turned Kamui's dreams into nightmares full of war and bloodshed. It twisted him until he can no longer recognise himself. Kaze wonders if there's a way to save Kamui from himself.
Words build resentment and become meaningless, because everybody lies and sometimes one can't tell the difference between the truth and the lies. Everything starts to feel like a dream until it becomes a nightmare instead.

But nightmares are not a representation of our deepest fears. They are, instead, our feelings of insecurity, loss and regrets. Because no one can hate you more than you hate yourself.

* * *

He used to believe in words.

He would stop crying about the monsters under his bed when Camilla would hold him and sing him a lullaby, because she would drive them away and she would never let them hurt her little brother.

He would believe in the ideals that Xander had for their kingdom. He could imagine how happy the people would be in Xander's rule because Xander was kind, fair and noble. He believed that Xander would end the war because he said so and big brother Xander could make anything come true.

He would believe that Leo would protect everyone and that he would help Xander save the kingdom. Because he saw how hard Leo worked to learn about everything. Because he heard Leo say that he would do anything for his family, even go to the depths of hell and back to bring them home.

He would believe that Elise would stay with him forever because she always told him that she loved him. Elise would always get him to play with her, and make him promise to stay with her forever.

He would believe when Gunter told him that he would protect him always. That he would keep him safe from the whims of his father, who ordered to have him starved and whipped. He would believe his comforting words as Gunter held him in his arms, saving him from a servant that was whipping him after he cried.

But now there was no one around him. There was only silence. He could no longer hear their laughter, only their accusations and shouts of betrayal.

He remembers the anger that he felt when he had to face the prisoners his father, no, Garon wanted him to kill. He couldn't bring himself to kill them. It was wrong to kill someone who could no longer fight back. He remembered the surprise in their eyes at being spared. He felt so sick about what Garon had been doing.

Were these the ideals that Xander had been telling him about?

He couldn't look at any of his siblings in the eye. What they did… if he didn't step in at that time, would they have been killed? Beaten and killed ruthlessly… this would not end the war! Why couldn't they understand that!

And then he was brought to Hoshido. Garon sent him on a suicide mission, and he was brought into his homeland. Kamui learned about the lies Nohr had fed him. He learned about his mother. He learned about his siblings, who were happy that he was back. He had never seen a place so lively before, so warm compared to that fortress he was confined to for years. And for one, he felt free.

And then his mother died. Died to protect him.

He could only feel despair and hate. Anger ran through his veins, and he couldn't help himself. He lost control. Turned into a dragon and almost killed Azura.

And then his Nohr siblings came, and made him choose who to side with in the war.

But how could he choose?

He couldn't turn his back into his birth family. He couldn't bring himself to hurt them.

Sakura, who was so sweet and shy, gave him so much joy with how much love she gave him. Sakura, who shared her sweets with him and told him little stories.

Hinoka, who became a warrior and joined the war, dedicated years of her life just to win him back from Nohr. Hinoka, who hugged him and cried when she saw him, not minding the fact that he came from the enemy forces.

Takumi, who was antagonistic and insulted him all the time. He may have been cold to Kamui, but he couldn't bring himself to be angry at someone who was his sibling.

And Ryoma, who told him about Hinoko. He told him about his mother, his siblings, and his life before Kamui was kidnapped. The man who told stories in a fond tone, who looked at him with love and slight affection, despite not seeing him for years.

How could he bring himself to harm any of them? Them, who has loved and accepted him despite everything?

So he decided not to fight any of them. There had to be a way to end the war without killing! But they branded him a traitor instead. A coward who would not pick a side. They couldn't understand how hard it was for him.

But Azura, despite loving Hoshido and his siblings, decided to join him instead of leaving him to fend for himself. Azura, who needlessly stayed by him through hard times, escaped with him along with Felicia, his loyal maid and led him to Valla, the invisible kingdom. Valla, where they found Gunter, still alive and kicking.

He remembered their words, about how they would restore peace by killing Anakos, the dragon god who was manipulating the war. How they would stop the kingdom from fighting and bring peace to the world.

…Kamui couldn't bring himself to believe the words that were coming out of his mouth.

Words used to hold meaning. Words used to assure him. Words use to keep him happy. Words used to be a way to show emotion, it used to be a way for him to shower love to his siblings. But all he could feel was indifference. All he could feel was regret.

Even seeing Sakura, his sweet little sister, join him left him with mixed emotions. Her words, no matter how sweet it was, felt like poisoned honey. And he hesitated to touch it.

He never did bring himself to touch it.

Felicia seemed to notice his mood. She tried to cheer him up, so he decided to smile and hide his resentment. The clumsy maid never noticed.

It worked, for a while. He tried to fool himself too.

But he could never forget the hate that flowed through his veins. He could never forget the resentment he had for their words. Everything that had come out of his siblings mouth were lies.

They weren't siblings. He was kidnapped from a neighboring kingdom. Garon killed his father, and imprisoned him in a fortress, making the servants starve and whip him when he was upset.

He wondered, after being given time to think from their little safe haven away from the war, were everything they said filled of lies too?

Did Camilla lie when she said he was her adorable little brother, who she would protect with her life? Did Elise lie when she said he was the best big brother ever and that she wanted to be with him forever? Did Leo lie when he said that he would help Xander make the world a better, more humane place? Did Xander lie when he said his ideals would make the world a better place?

He couldn't help but feel resentment.

Kamui shifted in his bed, his eyes wide open as he stared at the ceiling of his room. He's been having trouble sleeping for days, and he never feels safe anymore. The shadows in his room seem to shift, and he cannot help but feel anxious.

He feels alone.

He wondered when he began to change.

He no longer meant those kind words that came out of his mouth. He stopped missing the tea Joker would always make him while they talked under the moonlight. He stopped coming near the animals that he loved so much. He no longer cared about bringing peace to Nohr and Hoshido.

He just wanted everything to stop.

Kamui closed his eyes, trying to get some sleep.

For now, he would allow himself to dream of peaceful times filled of laughter and what-ifs. He would pretend that everything will be alright.

* * *

Kamui opens his eyes to see Camilla staring at him with soft eyes. She smiles at him and drags him outside to play.

The fortress was a cold, dark place. It was gray and lonely and cold, but the little white table and chairs and the scent of tea, honey and pastries makes it so much more brighter. It almost feels like home.

He sees Elise, excitedly chattering with Leo, who seemed annoyed at the enthusiastic girl. He also sees Xander look at them with a fond smile. Kamui feels at peace.

"Hey brother, do you want to play dress-up?" Elise pleadingly looked at Kamui with tiny tears forming in her eyes. "Leo wouldn't play with me, the meanie!" Leo started to splutter at her accusation.

"Forgive me, sister, for not wanting to play such a childish game. Aren't you too old to play dress-up anyway?" Leo raised his eyebrow at the pouting girl.

"Don't worry Elise. Leo is just a stick in the mud who acts like a grumpy old man." Camilla says with a wide smile, running a hand through Elise's blonde hair. Kamui could see Leo cracking at the insult.

"I am not a grumpy old man, sister!" Leo yelled only to have Xander glare at the three of them. Elise gulped and hid behind Camilla, who only stood with an amused look in her face. Leo regained his composure and stood straight, looking apologetically at his older brother.

"Would you two stop tormenting poor Leo?" Xander sighed in resignation at the antics of his siblings. "He would not look good in one of your dresses anyway, Elise." Kamui barely managed to hold in his laughter at the pure horror in Leo's face. Elise was laughing wholeheartedly and even Camilla was letting out a chuckle of two.

"Dresses!? What are you-?" Leo was spluttering with a red tint on his face, a semblance of a blush on his face. Kamui couldn't help the cackle that escapes his lips

"Really Leo, what did you expect?" Kamui crossed his arms while staring at his little brother and his shoulder shook with silent laughter. Oh how fun it was to tease Leo!

"She only has dresses you know?" Camilla teased the increasingly red Leo. She stared at him with a contemplative look on her face.

"Not that you wouldn't look half bad in one. You would make a cute girl you know?" Camilla smiled angelically while patting Leo on the head.

Kamui smiled at the scene. Leo was spluttering about 'lies and masculinity' with Elise excitedly running circles around him. Camilla was attempting to man-handle him with the excuse of 'wanting a cute little sister' with Xander trying to save Leo from eternal embarrassment.

Because when Kamui blinked, everything had changed.

Xander stood in front of him in full battle regalia, his sword out and pointing Seigfried at his juglar. Xander looked at him with a thunderous expression on his face.

"Betrayer! I will not tolerate traitors, even if you are my brother!" Kamui stared at the ravaged battlefield in front of him.

There were bodies of soldiers all around him. The ground was covered with blood. Kamui could see the slashes made on their bodies by a sword, blood gushing out and staining the soil red. Their faces were hollow, cheeks sunken and limbs twisted. It seemed like something that a demon would do.

Kamui took a step back, only to bump into a hard body. He turned to see a familiar red armor, worn only by Ryoma, his elder brother. He unsheated his Raijinto, it's blade crackling with lighting. Kamui backed away slowly, the buzzing in his ears getting louder.

All he knew at this moment was fear. The hate in his brother's eyes were so strong, it was making him squirm.

"How could you betray us so…?" Kamui gulped when he stared into those empty eyes. "After all this time… we just wanted to love you?"

"You don't understand!" Kamui screamed, his eyes wide in fear. "I don't want to fight any of you!" Kamui tried to explain, but no one would listen.

"Enough with this foolhardiness." A calm voice muttered from his left and suddenly all he could feel was pain.

Kamui skidded to the side, getting hit by something hard. Blood gushed out of his side, and his hazy eyes managed to lock into the icy gaze of his brother, Leo. He stood with poise and grace, he looked like a noble warrior. His blonde hair swayed gently as the harsh winds blew by.

"We don't care for traitors, you know?" Leo stepped on his side, making Kamui screech in pain. He held Brynhildr in his hands, glowing brightly at the power he was emitting.

"I have always resented you, you know. You always had my sibling's attention, and look what you do? They gave you their love and you repay it by betraying them… betraying us. You deserve a fate worse than death." Kamui felt tears fall from his eyes. He couldn't believe this was happening. Why…

He could hear the sound of flapping, and he could see the hazy form of Camilla and Hinoka by the side. Camilla looked stunning while riding her undead wyvern, her smile was unsettling and she was covered in blood.

"I have the traitors~" Camilla sang as she brought out the heads of Felicia, Gunter, Kaze and Azura. Their faces were stuck in horror. Blood dripped from her hold while an angelic smile formed on her lips at the horror on Kamui's face.

"They screamed for you to save them you know?" Camilla smiled while brushing away the locks covering Kamui's face. "And now they're dead. Isn't it glorious?" She giggled at the thought.

"I have her too, you know?" Hinoka glared at Camilla, while carrying a bound and gagged Sakura, who was sobbing uncontrollably. Hinoka threw a bag on the ground and it opened to show the heads of Sakura's retainers. Kamui felt the urge to puke.

"This is your fault, traitor!" Hinoka yelled at the downed man. She jumped down from her Pegasus, her eyes blazing with hate. "You brainwashed by precious sister… I hate you… I HATE YOU!" She screamed while dragging her sister.

"You brainwashed her, you coward." Kamui felt something hit his hand, making him cry out in pain as Takumi appeared. His bow, Fuujin Yumi, was pointed at him. Takumi looked at him with hate in his eyes.

"You have never been my brother, and you never will." Kamui screamed again as another arrow hit his arm. Blood gushed out of his arm and he felt weak. The world was filled with pain and Kamui just wanted to die

"Goodbye, my lovely brother. I still love you…" Kamui was held by Camilla, who grabbed him by the neck.

She had such a sweet smile on her face.

Camilla held her axe, which glinted maliciously. It was still dripping with blood when she raised the axe high above her head. He could see Elise screaming at them to stop, that she just wanted everyone to stop fighting, but no one listened.

And then she swung.

* * *

"…ke…lo….ka….i!" A rough hand jostled him awake, making him gasp and pant, sobs coming out of his trembling body. Kamui was sweating all over and he could swear that he was dying, feeling phantom pains all over his body. He couldn't breathe properly, like something was strangling him.

Kamui's vision was hazy with tears. He was hyperventilating with panic, unable to calm down and breathe until he noticed a familiar streak of green. He looked at the figure with teary eyes, grasping blindly until he could feel warmth on the pads of his fingers. He held onto the fabric like no tomorrow, trying to ground himself onto reality, away from the terrible dream.

"Lord Kamui?" Kamui shivered at the voice. He grasped into the fabric more, before hiding his face into the warmth. He trembled with fear, remembering the pain and the hate on their faces-

It was enough to drive anyone mad.

He flinched when a hand settled on his back, rubbing small circles repetitively. Kamui slowly relaxed into the warmth, his sobs starting to dissipate with time. He can't remember when someone had been this gentle to him. Camilla and Elise's hugs were strong and tight, and he can't remember the last time Xander and Leo hugged him.

His red eyes opened, staring at the familiar wine-colored scarf he was clutching onto. He looked up to see the stoic face of Kaze, the ninja that decided to join him a month ago, who had sworn loyalty to him because Kamui defied Garon to save him.

He knew that Kaze could feel the rough scars on his back. His fingers were far more sensitive than a normal person's because of all his training. But the ninja didn't ask, didn't look at him with judgment. Both knew that they had secrets they would rather die than tell anyone, and the ninja just seemed to know that this was one of those secrets. For that, he was grateful.

They spent the moment in silence. Kaze continued to rub circles at his back and encircled his free arm around the smaller male's waist. Kamui closed his eyes, basking at the warmth as his trembling subsided.

It made him feel ridiculously safe, being wrapped in Kaze's arms.

"…Kaze." Kamui looked at the older man that held him. Kaze looked worried, his grey eyes a mix of worried, relieved and scared. It was the first time he had seen him like this, staring at him like he would break at any moment.

It made Kamui hate himself even more.

"Yes, my lord?" Kaze stopped rubbing circles on his back, but kept his arms encircled around Kamui's waist.

"Thank you." There were words that Kamui couldn't bring himself to say. Like ' _thank you for stopping my nightmare'_ , and ' _thank you for being there to comfort me'_ and ' _sorry for bothering you'_ and so much more.

He wants to ask Kaze to stay, to hug him and cry his heart out because he can't take it anymore, because all he remembers are cold, hateful eyes, the scent of blood and pain. But the words got stuck in his throat, and Kamui can't bring himself to ask

Kaze stayed silent, watching the smaller male with an unreadable look. He took of his scarf and gently wrapped it on Kamui's neck, before standing up and bowing.

"If there's anything you need, just call for me, my lord." He nodded at the ninja.

"Of course! I'll be fine, don't worry!" Kamui almost winced at how fake his words were, but he couldn't lose his composure. Not now when he was so close to losing his mind.

Kaze simply smiled and disappeared, probably going on patrol for the rest of the night.

He simply sighed, burying his head against the warm scarf. He could smell the faint scent of earth and steel from the cloth, Kaze's scent.

When he closes his eyes, he sees cold, hate-filled eyes. He hears words that condemn him. He smells the blood of the innocents, staining the earth. He sees the butchered bodies of the people around him, and he sees his own helplessness.

He can't help but hate himself even more.

* * *

Kaze stood outside the window of his lord's room, his face set on a heavy frown.

He gazes at the small male, who was illuminated by moonlight. He could see his lord clutch at his scarf tightly, before curling up against a pillow with his hands clenched.

He wonders how no one notices how tired Kamui looked. He had become so different from the boy he met again after all these years.

The Kamui he remembered was bright. He was brave and kind he was so righteous, unwilling to compromise his morals for the one who raised him. He was beautiful, even Kaze had to admit that.

But the Kamui he sees now is a shell of his former self. This Kamui was resentful, he noticed from the look he gave to Sakura when no one was looking, back when she joined him. This Kamui was indifferent, his smiles and laughs were empty.

But most of all, this Kamui was haunted.

Kaze was patrolling when he heard a shout. He ran to his lord's room, taking out his kunai just in case an enemy managed to evade him.

Instead he saw Kamui screaming incomprehensively, twisting and turning with tears falling down his face.

Kaze immediately shook him awake. The small male immediately clung to him, sobbing and trembling so hard in his arms that all Kaze could think about was how fragile his lord was.

It was at this moment he realized how unhealthy Kamui was. His skin was far paler than it should be, and he was thinner much more thinner than before. There were dark bags under his eyes, and the way his eyes looked…

There was so much hate in those eyes.

Kaze wondered who he could hate so much. He wrapped an arm around him, while the other rubbed little circles on his back. He could feel rough scars on his skin, welts that belonged to a whip. He could tell that it was old too. The skin was too hard for it to be new. And then he realized…

Kamui hated himself.

But he couldn't bring himself to speak. He couldn't bring himself to help the prince. Kaze stayed silent and wrapped his arms around the prince.

He felt like a coward.

He may have told his lord that he would be there when he was needed, but the both of them knew that Kamui would never tell him what was wrong.

Kamui hated himself too much to seek help.

And Kaze was too much of a coward to ask what was wrong.

His clenched his fists, drawing out blood. It dripped down into the ground, but Kaze didn't mind the pain, nor the feeling of dry blood. It was in a sense some sort of punishment to him. Not being able to help his lord when he could see him in so much pain…

He still blamed himself after all these years.

It was his fault that Kamui was kidnapped that day. He didn't tell his father until it was too late. He had failed as a ninja, he had failed as the son of Lord Sumeragi's retainer. He couldn't keep his little lord safe.

But now… now that he had his second chance, he would make sure that his lord would not suffer like that again. He would make sure his lord would be safe from all who would do him harm. It was the least he could do for the prince who spared him from death. He would be his protector in the dark, even if he would never see the light again, he would be fine.

But then he remembers the hollow look in Kamui's eyes. He remembers the fake smiles and broken dreams. He sees Kamui's innocence being taken away by the war piece by piece he sees his heart breaking with each hateful word his siblings say to him and he wonders…

Kaze wonders if there is a way to save Kamui from himself.


End file.
